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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Attention fuels immaturity
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you