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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
Save water, shower together.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"