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We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...