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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.