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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
You are here: X
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.