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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I put the pro in inappropriate.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
Life is fun! You should get one.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.