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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.