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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.