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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?