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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."