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I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!