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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.