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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.