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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.