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first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"