Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!