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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!