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Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"