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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness