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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.