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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.