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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.