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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.