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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.