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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
This post is just for you.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
My favorite beer is an open one.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.