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I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."