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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I give myself the best presents.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"