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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.