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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.