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I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..