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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
High fiving was the original "like".
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Never squat with your spurs on
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.