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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride