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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Care less and you’ll stress less.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?