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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?