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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words