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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.