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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.