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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Line forms here for spankings
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?