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I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.