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The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.