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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Which wine goes best with more wine?
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
You make me want to be a drunker person
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.