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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Save water, shower together.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.