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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly