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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?