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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.