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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.