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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I make a great second impression.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.