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In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.