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I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.