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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.