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The best things in life require no pants.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....