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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Smelling another person should be a choice.