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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?