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These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married