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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.