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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.