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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.