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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.