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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.