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Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!