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I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.