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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.