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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
It should really be called teethpaste.