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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.