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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?