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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.