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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.