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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?