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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
The best things in life require no pants.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.