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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Please do not read this.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.