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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.