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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.