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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.