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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Better late than pregnant.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.