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On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Relationship Status: eating
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.