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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.