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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
God is creative... I mean look at me??
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"