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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.