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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.