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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!