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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Mondays should start at noon.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.