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Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!