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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat