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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
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My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
If I owned an auto collision shop, Iโd name it โAuto Correct.โ
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson