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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?