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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
is battling with eyelids
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”