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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Insert coin to view my status message.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.