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The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"