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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.