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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?