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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.