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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.