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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?