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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?