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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I just threw up my weekend.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.