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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.