Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Tieam... problem solved
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.