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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.