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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.