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Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.